Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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