Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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