dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
then he tried to convert me to islam
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
