Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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