The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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