Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
