Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
