I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
