He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I checked into jail on foursquare
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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