Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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