You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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