So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
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..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
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Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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