dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
