Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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