My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
