I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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