turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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