On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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