Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
