i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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