Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
