I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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