Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
