End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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