How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
