need another drink. this is the easiest way
You're my little dorito
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
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your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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