I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm always down for nudity.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
