I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
