Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
