Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
