yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
