If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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