Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
