so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
