great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
