my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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