She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
