Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
