stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
