The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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