i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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