Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am spending my child support on dildos
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
