Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
