i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
