My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
