see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
