You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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