I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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