They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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