I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
