ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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