Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
