I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
