I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
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I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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